Bufflehead Cabin

curate:

minou:

I am never going to finish.

Oh my god I have fucked this up so badly.

You know, it would have been nice if somebody had told me five years ago that I wasn’t going to be able to pul this off. You know, it would have hurt my feelings at the time if someone had said “I don’t think you have what it takes to do this,” but it certainly would have been better than finding out now, after I have wasted all this time, money, and, fuck, A HUGE PART OF MY LIFE trying to do this. Because, yeah, if I just spent two years writing one fucking chapter and it is still “just getting there”? That might be a sign that I don’t have what it takes. But I must have been hiding it really well or something. And you know how lots of people (academics especially) go through life waiting for that moment when they are going to be found to be a fraud? I think that just happened to me. I thought I was really doing this, and I wasn’t, and I covered it up so well that even I didn’t realize. God, I knew this was too good to be true. There’s no way I was ever actually going to succeed; the one thing — the one and only thing — that I thought I had, that would keep me afloat in the world and maybe help me be somebody important or do something important, I don’t have it. And now I’ve got nowhere else to go.

i hear you

Just continue to write paragraphs as powerful and honest as this one.